TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I wish there were birth control emojis
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
