So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
