I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
