I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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