I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
