two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
