when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
