the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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