My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
