Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
