to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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