i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
where are my eyebrows?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
