she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He better not be in your backpack
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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