ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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