i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
They took my balls.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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