I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
