onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
