The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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