Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
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remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
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That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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