Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
