i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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