I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize