Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
