Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
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i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
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She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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