Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
