32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
