They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
