im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
