so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Randomize
