did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
