I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
