dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
