Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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