T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
