think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
