Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
