are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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