is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
