Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
