I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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