There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
