I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
