My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
