The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
