When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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