I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Found your dick twin last night
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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