im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
