so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
