I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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