last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
