Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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