Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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