some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
