i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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