Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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