You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
