Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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