Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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