I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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