never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
